This is Angry Tablecloth, your favorite blogger’s favorite blogger… Alright, so that’s pretty much empirically false. I just like the KRS 1 line, “I’m your favorite rapper’s favorite rapper.”
For those keeping track, my million follower – million post plan is ahead of schedule. Only 996,845 more to go at this rate! With that in mind, I thought another post with some writing tips was appropriate, so that you too can have a world renowned blog with tens of tens of followers.
- Sprinkle a few sentences with complicated words into your writing. These sentences do not even need to make sense. For example: A pedantic acquisition of malleable exhortations culminates a perfunctory placation of acquiescent measures. It means nothing, but sounds impressive.
- Test what you consider potentially risky material out in social situations, before committing it publicly to print. It is not always easy to gauge what is wise to write, until it is spoken aloud. I once said to a girl on a blind date, “Have you ever walked into a bathroom two minutes after using it and taken a deep breath, just to appreciate the damage you’ve done?” She proceeded to stand up, and walk out of the restaurant without saying a word, indicating this would be a terrible thing to share in a future blog post.
- Place yourself in the shoes of those with contrasting views to help stand firm on your own two feet. I wrote a few things for a company that almost exclusively caters to women. They were surprised I could tailor what I did as thoughtfully as I did. I may not be a woman, or interested in using the products this company sold, but I have worn high heels every Friday for the last five years. Wearing them on that date I just mentioned may have been more of a contributing factor to why she left, now that I think about it. The blonde Marilyn Monroe wig probably didn’t help, either.
- When the legendary DJ Clark Kent’s son wanted to also DJ, Clark Kent told him to start by listening to lots of music – become a fan. This applies to most crafts.
- This next writing tip might be less apparent than become a fan. Sleep on it. When my old friend asked me to write for his aforementioned company, I came up with a few ideas, and told him, “I’ll have a nap, see what comes to me, and share what I have in a few hours.” He thought I was joking at first, but some of my best ideas come right before falling asleep, or just after waking up. There are studies that show rats problem solve in their sleep, and while I could go into detail about it in a manner relevant to what I am writing right now, I do not need to clutter the advice I am giving with a bunch of actual facts.
- Ask yourself, what would Nostradamus write if he had a first hand encounter with aliens? Do not tell a woman you have just met that aliens said you are the reincarnation of Nostradamus… Yeah, that date was doomed from the start, I ironically see in hindsight.
- Choose trendy topics to write about, like tape recorders, or basket weaving, or why people who smoke cigarettes indoors are unable to understand why this can drive other smokers crazy. Wanting to spend as much time as possible breathing clean air, and not surrounded by the stuff all day long makes sense! And don’t tell me again that smoke rises! Heat rises! Without a heat source, the smoke spreads where it can, occupying less dense space! Sorry, sorry about that. I don’t mean to get preachy. I don’t really care. I’m just venting, because I miss it when around it, but that’s my issue to resolve. I thought it might somehow help me meet a nice girl, who isn’t uptight about alternative fashion lifestyles. Wait… what was this post about again?
- Pay attention, keep notes, and stay acquainted with the dictionary. I learned what insipid meant after hearing Agent Smith use it in the third Matrix movie. I learned what placate meant after reading it in the subtitles of an Anime. I learned what repugnant meant after showing up to a date in a costume I still assert was not gay! I was paying homage to one of the most beautiful women of the 1950’s, damn it! I left the dress at home, so what was the big deal?! Sorry, sorry again. Last time I’ll bring it up.
- Write as if on a date with someone you can be yourself around. (This is different, I swear.) Imagine no one else is listening. I caught myself daydreaming about being on a date under these circumstances, and in this scenario I kept talking and talking and talking, and would not shut up. It would probably be a bit disturbing if I did, and she started talking back just as much, as my eyes glazed over, and drool dripped from my grinning mouth. The quality and amount of material, and just how effortless it poured out was surprising. Give it a try without any intent of writing a word of it down, if compelled to.
Well, that is all the advice I have for now. Some of it’s actually sincere and helpful, to my surprise. Think I’ll start working on a more detailed list of dating tips next. Avoid girls on Catholic dating websites if their likes include traditional family values, and you possess a colorful sense of style like I do… won’t make that mistake again… should’ve listened to the aliens.