Writing And Dating

This is Angry Tablecloth, your favorite blogger’s favorite blogger… Alright, so that’s pretty much empirically false. I just like the KRS 1 line, “I’m your favorite rapper’s favorite rapper.”

For those keeping track, my million follower – million post plan is ahead of schedule. Only 996,845 more to go at this rate! With that in mind, I thought another post with some writing tips was appropriate, so that you too can have a world renowned blog with tens of tens of followers.

  1. Sprinkle a few sentences with complicated words into your writing. These sentences do not even need to make sense. For example: A pedantic acquisition of malleable exhortations culminates a perfunctory placation of acquiescent measures. It means nothing, but sounds impressive.
  1. Test what you consider potentially risky material out in social situations, before committing it publicly to print. It is not always easy to gauge what is wise to write, until it is spoken aloud. I once said to a girl on a blind date, “Have you ever walked into a bathroom two minutes after using it and taken a deep breath, just to appreciate the damage you’ve done?” She proceeded to stand up, and walk out of the restaurant without saying a word, indicating this would be a terrible thing to share in a future blog post.
  1. Place yourself in the shoes of those with contrasting views to help stand firm on your own two feet. I wrote a few things for a company that almost exclusively caters to women. They were surprised I could tailor what I did as thoughtfully as I did. I may not be a woman, or interested in using the products this company sold, but I have worn high heels every Friday for the last five years. Wearing them on that date I just mentioned may have been more of a contributing factor to why she left, now that I think about it. The blonde Marilyn Monroe wig probably didn’t help, either.
  1. When the legendary DJ Clark Kent’s son wanted to also DJ, Clark Kent told him to start by listening to lots of music – become a fan. This applies to most crafts.
  1. This next writing tip might be less apparent than become a fan. Sleep on it. When my old friend asked me to write for his aforementioned company, I came up with a few ideas, and told him, “I’ll have a nap, see what comes to me, and share what I have in a few hours.” He thought I was joking at first, but some of my best ideas come right before falling asleep, or just after waking up. There are studies that show rats problem solve in their sleep, and while I could go into detail about it in a manner relevant to what I am writing right now, I do not need to clutter the advice I am giving with a bunch of actual facts.
  1. Ask yourself, what would Nostradamus write if he had a first hand encounter with aliens? Do not tell a woman you have just met that aliens said you are the reincarnation of Nostradamus… Yeah, that date was doomed from the start, I ironically see in hindsight.
  1. Choose trendy topics to write about, like tape recorders, or basket weaving, or why people who smoke cigarettes indoors are unable to understand why this can drive other smokers crazy. Wanting to spend as much time as possible breathing clean air, and not surrounded by the stuff all day long makes sense! And don’t tell me again that smoke rises! Heat rises! Without a heat source, the smoke spreads where it can, occupying less dense space! Sorry, sorry about that. I don’t mean to get preachy.  I don’t really care. I’m just venting, because I miss it when around it, but that’s my issue to resolve. I thought it might somehow help me meet a nice girl, who isn’t uptight about alternative fashion lifestyles. Wait… what was this post about again?
  1. Pay attention, keep notes, and stay acquainted with the dictionary. I learned what insipid meant after hearing Agent Smith use it in the third Matrix movie. I learned what placate meant after reading it in the subtitles of an Anime. I learned what repugnant meant after showing up to a date in a costume I still assert was not gay! I was paying homage to one of the most beautiful women of the 1950’s, damn it!  I left the dress at home, so what was the big deal?! Sorry, sorry again. Last time I’ll bring it up.
  1. Write as if on a date with someone you can be yourself around. (This is different, I swear.) Imagine no one else is listening. I caught myself daydreaming about being on a date under these circumstances, and in this scenario I kept talking and talking and talking, and would not shut up. It would probably be a bit disturbing if I did, and she started talking back just as much, as my eyes glazed over, and drool dripped from my grinning mouth. The quality and amount of material, and just how effortless it poured out was surprising. Give it a try without any intent of writing a word of it down, if compelled to.

Well, that is all the advice I have for now. Some of it’s actually sincere and helpful, to my surprise. Think I’ll start working on a more detailed list of dating tips next. Avoid girls on Catholic dating websites if their likes include traditional family values, and you possess a colorful sense of style like I do… won’t make that mistake again… should’ve listened to the aliens.

Winning Attitude

This is Angry Tablecloth, and it doesn’t take a genius to outsmart one, aside from like most situations. An unbridled subscription to truth, separate from honesty, yet based in true honesty can overcome, and can be attained by a supposedly average mind.

Thought I’d start of with something smart-sounding, because there ain’t going to be much of that through the rest of this. We can explore that statement another time, but it’s been a while since I wrote an ill-advised post that will likely alienate some of my audience. The point of this might be missed, but at least there is not much of one trying to be made, just as there is not much of an audience to alienate.

Prior to the inception of my first post, a former colleague of mine, Derek, offered some pertinent advice. Sagely, he stated, “Dawg, write everything like you’re eating a big turkey leg after having a threesome.” Salient advice indeed. I promptly adopted this strategic mindset with wavering results, as it was not one I could consistently maintain. The ratio of success to failure leaned in favor of success, undeniably, but I pondered about what an even more effective frame of mind would look like. This is when I realized something grander.

I instead pictured myself wearing a wrinkled, tacky, poorly fitted suit from the 70’s. In one hand I had a heart shaped box of chocolates, and a bouquet of roses in the other, as I jauntily walked down the street towards my faithful girlfriend’s apartment, to celebrate our six year anniversary. Right at the moment I’m about to knock on her door, I receive a text message, telling me she has already left the city in a van, to go across the country and have threesomes with random strangers at every stop she makes. I figuratively turned my friend’s idea upside down. I shifted the focus from nothing to prove to nothing to lose.

This mindset was much easier to sustain, and personally more effective. It helped that my jerk of an ex-girlfriend, Carol, had just left me to “discover herself”, and “explore the world”, as she put it. Just out of the blue! No warning! Sure, there was that one fight. I only suggested a three-way at the bar with that other girl, because I thought you were eyeing her, and had been hinting at it for a while! I was doing it for you! Trying to spice things up, like you said!

I probably shouldn’t have drank those two low-carb wine coolers before I started writing this… I’m sorry I just called you a jerk, Carol… and not the b-word, like you always wanted me to when you said you were being one. Can we just have coffee? Give me just a couple minutes, and you’ll see I’ve changed.

I’ve grown, I swear! I went to a strip club even, and barely thought about the troubled childhoods, and hard drug issues many of those women have probably endured… No, not the one you’re working at. I have no clue where you work, or if you were wearing the blue sequin halter top I spent hours picking out, while dancing to our song, Cherry Pie, in front of a group of Asian business men, last Tuesday… I see you’re keeping in shape, though.

I even watched one of those pornographic internet videos with the non-Christian orifice love making. Who was that guy? In the video… Who was that guy you were with? I could only squint at the screen with the sound off, but it was Derek, wasn’t it?! I knew it all along! I hope you choke and die on that turkey leg, you bastard!

Take a deep breathe, calm down, remember someone who treats me that way is not worth holding onto even if it were possible, and have another wine cooler, which is not girly… I’m manly enough to drink ’em during a beer chugging competition at a biker rally!

alright, had two more drinks, and i’m feelin better. the universal flow within flows love extending to corners of the galaxy. Just got harness love. Be at with peace. Ignore the spinning room. Throw up if need to, then write greatest poeem every. That’ll get her attentsion.

Use you’re passion. When you’re down, act like there’s nothing to lose. When your up, nothing to prove. Write from the fiery passion of your heart using a calm, cool state of mind. Turn the pain Carol gave you into a gift It’ll happen, jlust allow it too. inspiration is every where in everything and everyone! Read a few Zen koans if needed, but how can I be need of a bad mood in a bad mood when I feel so warm   and fuzzy inside? This advice might not be for everyone, but it works for you.

Use your concerns as the foundation for a launching pad. Ignite the rocket in the heat of a moment with aim for the desired outcome of being. You can all ways alter the trajectory if find yourself drifting off coarse… just keep going, and there is always amazing sights to behold, no matter how far from human contact you are. You are human, but you are stronger than you know. Let your weaknesses prove this. Unable to benchpress a million pounds? You are strength enough to no be bothered. Can’t think smart? You smart enough to understand why, or strong enough to let others show why. We are one, and have value, and giving value to others through limitations… acceptance of can unleash limitless potential, never forget. Never forget there is a beauty in the mind’s eye that Carol doesn’t see with her obsession for beauty, and that’s beautiful too, in it’s own way, as you are beautiful too in your own way.

Now that is the type of winning attitude able to produce brilliant results, just like this!

Clear Minded Mistakes

This is Angry Tablecloth, and today I am going to share a few thoughts on how one can discover their true purpose, within the perceptible reality consciousness matrix, enabling freer motion over the integral optimization vortex.

The point to achieving goals is in the meaning of the purpose.  Achieve the point to find the purpose to the meaning of the goal.  Purpose is the goal, and achievement is the point in meaning.  This isn’t working out like I thought it was going to.  Thought I could just throw a bunch of important words together, and something would form.

Purpose… purr pose… A purr pose sounds like something that needs to be a thing.  Damn it, I need to focus!  I’ll just edit this nonsense out, probably after it’s posted, when anyone who is going to read this, already has.

I do edit some posts after the fact – minor adjustments, I swear, within the span of a minute to day.  This happens when I feel the tone is a bit off in a line or two, or a paragraph is a bit flat, or unintentionally convoluted, for example.  It might be funny to go back to an old post people have “liked”, and throw in a couple points sympathizing with terrorists. “What?!  Others actually enjoyed this?  You people are all on Obama’s kill list, now!  Wave hi to the drone for me, if you see it coming.” But that would be like steering a bus full of passengers off a cliff, and that would be awful, if I’m the one in the driver’s seat.  I’d rather push the pedal to the metal en route to paradise, or chill out on cruise control.  Driving in circles is not always a bad thing.  You can notice details in seeing the same setting again and again that often go overlooked.

So, why do you sleepily post things only to wake up after the fact?  Thanks for asking, brain, but sleepily is a bit harsh.  These words have the feeling of a dialogue taking place in my head, before they are posted, but when posted they have the feeling of something being spoken out loud for the first time.  Saying something out loud to someone else allows me to see there are assumptions being made, among other things.  So, do you have any way to correct this pattern of correcting things, before the fact?  Realizing there is no visual or aural component to assist, like there is in my imagination is important.  To give an example, I may write something that has a sarcastic tone in my head, but the actual words used do not convey that.  (That last sentence was written an hour after this has been posted, to provide a demonstration.  Nothing else has been, or will be touched.)  It’s often a matter of what’s conceptual versus what’s concrete.  The solutions to this are simple, once the realizations are made.  And again, these are small adjustments.  Don’t make a big deal out of it, brain.  We should probably move on, before this gets weird.

I once compared scientists and calculators in a way that was misleadingly insulting, potentially.  In my opinion, it is the one thought I have shared that was in need of more than a small adjustment.  It wasn’t a bad idea, but it was not well executed.  It came across as if I thought a physicist could perform complex equations, but could not necessarily fathom the depths of the universe any better than the average person, associating a hypothetical scientist’s capabilities with that of a calculator.  I like abstracts that have a single, unclear message that is clearly supposed to be viewed in a specific way – unless the intent is clearly to buck that trend – and that is where I slipped up.  On the bright side, if that was the biggest mistake I have ever made, then I would be able to sleep without waking up screaming, in a cold sweat, at 2:00am, every night.

Some mistakes are simply oversights in grammar caught a little too late. You ever turn in a paper to a teacher, and they go over it with you, and things are going smoothly, and then they ask you in a sweet, sincere voice about the meaning of a specific sentence, which turns out to be total gibberish?  “The banality is to foremost the reason it’s held to be true.”  What does it mean?  It means I’m a maniac.  Obviously, it means I had a momentary stroke in the middle of that sentence.

In consolation, at least these mistake serve as a valuable lesson, and the inspiration for this piece I share with you now.  So, you see… they weren’t really mistakes!  This was done on purpose!  I’m still perfect!  Nobody’s buying that.  Shut up, brain!

The mistakes I have made have helped me to refine my voice on the page.  As long as my voice is not that of a homeless person condescendingly giving financial advice to a billionaire, I’m good.  But who knows?  Maybe that homeless person has something important to share on such a level.  Maybe the billionaire got to where he/she is, because they did listen, and that is why the homeless person ended up where they are now, as they were robbed of the credit and money they deserve for a brilliant idea that was theirs, and as a result are now bitter, and jaded, spending their nights trying to drink away the memories that haunt them so.  Or maybe the billionaire had earnest improvements to make, or a different direction to take, but his/her business partner was stubborn, and that is why they both ended up in the positions they find themselves in, today.  There are a countless number of reasons this rise of one person and fall of another could have happened, ranging from tragically ironic to heartbreakingly tragic.  Did you just write a paragraph about a fictional billionaire, that has nothing to do with anything else written here?  Yes, brain, I think I did.  Why are you just now questioning the strangeness of this all?  I’m kind of stupid.  Yes you are, brain, yes you are.

The last thing I would like to share with you now, perhaps the most valuable lesson gained so far from this blogging experience, is that mistakes are formed peace which lessons the air of important plains to being, since that is the reason we are purpose.

Pleasure Points (Return to Form)

This is Angry Tablecloth, and I never ask for a favour from another if they cannot benefit from it in some way. The privilege of doing me a favour covers most ground.

I have a confession to make. A part of me is afraid to publicly admit this, but I have been feeling deflated as of late. I am usually comfortable with showing my vulnerable side, because I have the strength to do so… or because I lack discretion, due to an obliviousness of what makes others uneasy. I am also comfortable with running through a movie theater completely naked, if fueled by enough peer pressure, and alcohol. There’s just something about being tazered, and handcuffed in a public setting that really makes you feel alive, you know? I suppose that proves my lack of discretion, but that is not the point I wanted to make. The point is I am sad.

You may recall my excitement in a past piece about the influx of followers I was receiving. “Twenty followers after twenty posts?! That’s ten times the number of friends I have in real life!” That is a paraphrasing of what was written. It was then that I devised my masterful million post, million follower plan. Project MPMF seemed like a sure thing, but I am starting to have doubts that I’ll live another five hundred years. How else am I supposed to find fame and fortune? By writing well researched, insightful, thought provoking posts on relevant subjects? By not throwing ninety percent of my posts into the “Reality” category, because it is easy, and I am lazy? Would creating a proper logo help, featuring an angry tablecloth, instead of the skeleton/alien/self portrait thing I use instead, because it was already complete beforehand, further proving how lazy and unfocused I can be? Maybe having a proper website address without “wordpress” being in the middle of it would help. Maybe the fact I struggle to afford the minimal cost to do this proves such a thing is the least of my problems. Maybe following through and committing to things is not as overrated as I once thought.

Sure, my little site here may not have a lot of pictures, or videos, and is very bare bones, even for a free site, but is it not the actual content that matters? Is the flash around the substance really that important? Would Jeopardy not be the same show without the fancy wall of monitors, and buzzers, and enough vacant floor space to land a small plane on? Wouldn’t people still watch if the contestants had to raise their hand as fast as possible to answer questions, and had to write their Final Jeopardy answers with a pen on a piece of paper? No, no they wouldn’t. All game shows have the bells and whistles they do, because that is half the fun for people. I get it, and enjoy it as well. Even a smart show like Jeopardy understands this. The theme song alone could be what has kept it alive for the last thirty years. This truth might be a bit deflating, but focus on the content, and someone with an eye for potential may see that your ideas are worth investing in, providing the funds to display a bit of that game show flare to wrangle in prospective readers. It’s important to at least have a complete vision for the mind’s eye to see, if the visual presentation is wanting – this can be a make or break difference – a demonstration of confidence and commitment, which is vital.

Leonardo Da Vinci was notorious for not completing projects on time, according to the one Assassin’s Creed videogame I played, and so… I’m about to compare myself to one of history’s greatest minds. Step away from that sentiment Tablecloth, step away. Actually, when people would tell me I was funny, or I had a talent for poetry, or other creative fields, I would look to the negative qualities stereotypically associated with others in those fields. The negatives I could relate to allowed me to believe in the positives others claimed I possessed, and turned out to be one step – an important action towards overcoming the negatives. As far as not completing projects on time goes, I was (and still am, to a degree) a person of thought to the point where it can paralyze action. Some people think bad boys – or jerks if you prefer – get more girls, or that girls prefer such guys. A thoughtless person is able to act without the impeding considerations a thoughtful person is often bound to, although a consideration such as this can open gates to more action. They can act without thought, because they are relatively thoughtless in certain respects. This allows them to have more success in the dating world, but female cuttlefish have shown they pick mates based on intelligence as much as brawn… but I have gone off track, again.

Receiving likes and follows is fun to have happen, but fixating on them (personally) is not. One post gets a bunch of likes, and the next only gets half of the previous number, which makes you wonder, “What was wrong with that post? Why is it not as popular?” You then hastily write another post that is clearly rushed, hoping it will be a return to form as far as popularity is concerned, but that is not the case. Discouragement then starts to overwhelm, and you stop writing on a consistent basis, as you spiral downward into a deep pit of doubt and despair. You then find yourself homeless, drinking in a dark alley, only to one day notice a pen and paper behind the dumpster where you offer sexual favours for drug money, as if fate placed it there. You then write a few sentences down that you’ve been thinking about lately, and suddenly the magic and wonder writing first provided has returned… not that I would know anything about this…

Staying grounded, remembering where you came from, understanding what is really important; it’s like I learned the lessons of a rock star, you know, without going through all of that fame and fortune nonsense. It’s the attitude that I do not care about making money or garnering critical acclaim, and knowing the pleasures of molding a thought from scratch that will eventually lead to those things. Yes, fooling myself and others into believing that ruse is what counts! Along with remembering that whatever I do, there will always be a segment of the population that cannot stand me. Funny, how you can feel like the entire world is working against you, and yet the strength to endure and overcome this feeling can arise by connecting to the broader universe, and knowing it is with you. Ninety percent of the population agrees that ninety percent of the world is full of jackasses, but less than ten percent agree on who those jackasses are. No, that’s not true, but it is fun to say. As long as I am honest with myself, and those around me, the fun I find in writing this blog will not stop. Even if the pleasure is momentarily lost, through honesty it will undoubtedly be found once more. Ah, I feel better now; much more inflated.  “Til next time.

Season One Finale

Time to loosen that tie, unbutton that collar, and take off those pants, and drink a cup of tea, and take a deep breath, and have a quick nap, and then a nice lunch, then surf the net, then down a few beers in the parking lot, and then reflect on the damage your affair is causing the family, on the drive home, because it is Casual Friday!  Time to open up the mailbag, and answer some questions from the fans, along with even more questions no one ever wanted to ask!  I don’t know how this is relaxed, exactly.  It’s supposed to be like having a laid-back conversation, I guess, or maybe it’s the fact that this crab cake could end up being fifty percent breading.  I don’t care.  I’ve come too far to start looking back!

I have received comments and even questions from good people, who respect what I write, even if I occasionally curse, or make a possibly lewd comment, or burst into the odd rant about a government conspiracy involving mind control, and nanobots in flu vaccines, forcing us to mine the necessary minerals for the Bot Lord’s colony of space ships, calculated to reach Titan’s orbit in seven years, unless we rise up now, but that is aside from the point I initially wanted to make.

The point I wanted to reach in the above paragraph is that it’s good having an edge, but I don’t need mine so sharp that others have to worry about getting cut with each new post.  Keep people on their toes, but not in fear of having them shot.  The laws of this jungle operate differently.  This is my sanctuary.  Please, leave all insults at the gate, and respect the wildlife.  All I am saying, in the clearest ways I possibly can, is that there is a line minded for between offending someone’s sensibilities, and inflicting real harm, or endorsing things that are damaging.  It’s the difference between saying, “Motherf***er,” and recommending someone have sex with their mother.

Tripping Timmy on Christmas Eve can be funny, but the margin for error can be as small as a bit featuring a pot shot at a prize fighter.  The latter can easily be as lame as the former is hurtful, which can be equally insulting when unskillfully executed.  It can be a thing of beauty to watch someone with precision hit a target the size of a pinhead.  It can be a lot of fun to veer left and right when the mark is finally hit.

I’ve dipped my toes in enough to know what the waters are like.  I can put my best foot forward every time without need to back peddle.  (I write this, because I have altered a couple lines from past posts I was not fully satisfied with.)  Pilot season is over, and the vision moving forward has been fine tuned, to provide you the viewer, the best experience we can possibly deliver.  I have more to share in an upcoming post on the future, along with some behind-the-scenes insights.  Should be ready in a week.  Got big plans for the years ahead.  I want to run through all formats!  I’m going from VHS to DVD, to Digital, and beyond!  This is the Betamax exclusive phase, in case you wanted to know.

Half of the stuff written so far would be deleted if I didn’t believe it added to the casual theme.  That last sentence, along with this one, will be erased, unless I can come up with a good use for them.  That last segment of the last sentence made them worth keeping.  That last segment didn’t actually help, but that last sentence did.  That last sentence actually made this worth keeping.  Now it’s all really strange and confusing.  Now it’s worth keeping.

Damn it!  The entire point of this post was to answer questions!  Well, thankfully, I really only had one to answer.  I will get to it very soon, in a piece titled Wonderment.  I am so disappointed in myself that microscopic robots may start pouring from my eyes.

My Interview #2

This is Angry Tablecloth, and I will die a happy man if I never have to hear the term, pre-flu, ever again.  I wanted to apologize for calling everyone who follows my blog a maniac, in the last post.  There is a small segment of individuals who I doubt read a word I write, and only follow my blog to promote their own agenda, and I get the sensible motives, and logic behind those people.  The rest of you, I still consider maniacs.  It feels good to say sorry.  On with the proceedings of today!

I had a lot of fun with the last post I did, which is of little surprise being the amazing guest and host that I am, and so I thought another round was in order.

Interview

Q:  Do you have any advice for aspiring writers?

A:  You asked that same damn question about ten times the last time we talked.  Do you even remember?

Q:  I remember if you do, of course.

A:  Then what is wrong with you?  Why would you start off with that, again?

Q:  Then what is wrong with us?  Why would we start off with that, again?  That’s what you should ask.

A:  Don’t make statements.  It’s confusing.  You’re supposed to be asking me things.

Q:  It ain’t my fault you started asking me questions.

A:  This is going horribly wrong.  Can we start over again?

Q:  Sure.

A:  Then will you ask me something?

Q:  Okay.

A:  That’s not… just ask a goddamned question, please.

Q:  Are you high right now?

A:  No.

Q:  Usually that’s a good sign.

A:  No comments!  Questions!

Q:  Is it a  lot of work to act like a strange human being?

A:  No… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … 🙂 … … … … …  It requires as much work as it does to behave regular.

Q:  Do you ever worry that your efforts to amuse and inform may only cause discomfort, and concern for your mental health?

A:  No.  I’d be happy to know someone out there cared.

Q:  Anything clever to say?

A:  More clever than that question?  Because that would be anything.

Q:  Was that clever?

A:  No.

Q:  Now is it clever?

A:  No!  It’s probably confusing as shit.

Q:  Are you calling your audience dumb?

A:  No!

Q:  No?

A:  NO!  I can’t believed I vouched for you!  I said you were good at this, and it’s all gone to hell!  I hate you!

Q:  You hate yourself?

A:  No.

Q:  That doesn’t make sense…

A:  ASK A REAL GODDAMNED QUESTION!

Q:  Do you have any advice for aspiring writers?

A:  I’m glad you asked.  Concentration is crucial.  A single thought on a subject can lead to another, and another, forming a chain of thoughts, and while the first four links might consist of rusted iron, the fifth piece might be one of gold, as well as the seventh, or tenth.  The links not of gold may reveal a useful way to display the other parts worth sharing.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  My writing is best when writing is the last thing on my mind.  When I am trying to answer a philosophical quandary for my own sake, or embracing the joy of a moment, or trying to entertain a friend, the words I need to share my findings when writing become clear.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  When opposing forces clash, the contradictions smash those not immersed in the beginning and end, with a present state of mind.  My brightest insights are often found when struggling in darkness – when trying to reconcile two seemingly opposing notions, or so it used to be.  Address the lights in a pitch black body of water, and darken them, or brighten the shadows on a sunny day.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  My pieces are often twice the size of what I finally present, and would only be half as interesting with double the amount.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  Listen to golden minds and concrete blockheads, alike.  I find the latter to be more inspirational and motivational than the former when aligned with the former.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  If I feel pressured to generate something humorous, I may write something serious, or if I feel pressured to write something of great depth, I may write something purely for entertainment, or if I feel pressured to generate a large quantity of material, I may write something brief and concise, or if I feel pressured to write a poem, I may write an essay.  This pattern ensures I write quality material, regardless of the pressure felt to do so.  If you are a comedy writer, or a novelist, this may not seem like it would help, but a serious or brief piece may be what is needed to smash a chunk of writer’s block.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  As a kid I would often read, watch, and listen to things far beyond my comprehension, but I would not let that fact frustrate me.  The fragments I could understand gave me a rush, and in time those parts helped me to understand the bigger picture with ease.

Q:  Would you share something about yourself that others might not know?

A:  I am an insecure know-nothing connected to an omniscient source of supreme confidence.  I also have a heavenly angel living inside of me that hatched from a demon seed, who I call friend.

Q:  What will you buy your brother when you finally make it?

A:  I once had a friend who is monetarily rich tell me, “You’re going to be a millionaire, one day,” to which I replied, “That’s as good as telling me I’m going to jump off a bridge, one day.”  Either statement can be as distracting as it can be motivational.  I should have just taken the damn compliment.  If I am ever going to be financially wealthy, it will be by not caring about such a thing, and pursuing passions – that in my view – have more value than a treasure chest full of gold.  I would rather possess the power to be happy regardless of my income than to be rich for my entire life, if my happiness is dependent on that factor.  Still, I do want to keep up the rent, and eating food I purchase from grocery stores.

Q:  You didn’t answer the question.

A:  Because it was lame.

Q:  Is this the same friend…

A:  For the love of god, just ask me a friggin’ normal question, will you?!

Q:  Why should anyone take a nobody like you seriously?

A:  Because nobody is a “nobody”.  Because I am taken seriously by some “somebodies”, who respect me, because I am not concerned with whether they take me seriously, among other reasons.  Because it’s apparent in what I write.  You want to learn how to write dope-ass, ill material, or access crazy, awesome thoughts then you have come to the right place.  I can help some out there write material that is worthy of the world’s attention, but if the world’s attention is all you crave, then you may want to look somewhere else.

Q:  Who are your favorite writers?

A:  I’d say myself, but then I wouldn’t be one of them.  My parents had virtually every Stephen King novel, and I’ve read about half of them, which is a library’s worth of books, but that was roughly ten years ago, so I’m probably down to a quarter, at this point.  I also enjoy reading the dictionary.

Q:  What is your favorite King novel?

A:  Wow, this is starting to sound like a real interview.  I never read any of the Dark Tower, or Gunslinger stuff, and I like the Richard Bauchman stuff quite a bit.  As a kid I used to find it a bit daunting to read a seven hundred page book of his, and yet I could easily go through a collection his short stories, even if the collection was well in excess of a thousand pages.  My favourite Stephen King movies usually make for my least favourite novels, and vice versa, although I did like Room 1408, or whatever it’s called, in both formats.

Q:  And you wonder why I do not ask more “normal” questions.  That was dull as hell.  Why a blog?

A:  Because it’s cheap, easy to manage, and I can deliver a lot of small sized bites, until I amass a large amount of material, like a Stephen King short story collection, that I will then publish and sell to those too stupid to read it here, for free.

Q:  Do you have an ultimate goal you want to achieve?

A:  Aside from the one I just shared?  Sure, I got plenty of them.  One is to create a million maniacs who do not fear life, and can see through death.

Q:  Any mildly perturbing comments you would like to make?

A:  I knew the world was not going to end on December twelfth, two-thousand and twelve, because I had no clue what was going to happen that day.

Q:  That is a little messed up.

A:  You asked.

Q:  Doesn’t mean you had to answer.

A:  I have time for one more question, so make it a good one.

Q:  Why is softcore European pornography as hot as hardcore Asian pornography, and yet the two are not necessarily interchangeable for some reason, and are you creative enough to come up with a question like that without it being from personal experience?

A:  You…  Please tell me you didn’t just ask that…  Jesus…  I try not to judge others, or look down on others… I would never consider another person a blockhead, even though I use the word for effect, and I truly do not think of others as maniacs, and I truly do not think I am better or worse than anyone else, only different, or at least try to subscribe to that idea as best I can, but that is repugnant, and now I have to clean up your mess.  I have known people who fetishize over certain aspects, whether they are racial, or about height, or weight, or whatever, to the point where it is like watching someone eat a double bacon cheeseburger after suffering a heat attack, where all you feel like at the moment is a salad, no matter how much of a carnivore you are.  You can have certain preferences, and then meet someone who does not match any of those, and yet they become the most beautiful person you have ever known.  Inner beauty can radiate outwards, impacting a person’s physical appearance in the eyes of another, to an astounding degree, even if that other person is rather superficial.  Unless there is a spiritual, mental, emotional connection, the physical is something I do not care about, and you can call that a disorder if you wish, but that is who I am.  I want to see more of us treat one another with the respect and decency each human being deserves.  Glad I patched that up.

End of interview… thankfully.

My Interview

This is Angry Tablecloth, and I receive an average of two followers per post, without any effort to advertise, which means my goal of a million is only a thousand years away.  That was the goal, at least.  I have recently been examining the profiles of those following me, to get a better sense of my audience, and what I have discovered is that my audience is nuts!  Jesus Christ!  A couple of you legitimately frighten me.  What really scares me is the thought that you maniacs are a reflection of who I am.  Has everyone else been right?  Should I be surprised that whenever I lapse into a moment of honesty with another person, they start to slowly back away, while maintaining eye contact with a look of fear and hostility, trying to communicate that they will fight back if I try to follow?!  Have I been sharing my philosophical views on life, in a fashion that appeals strictly to potential cult members?  Is this what I get for joking about voices in my head?  Well, at least I’m sane enough to recognize the craziness I have unwittingly attracted.  No, I’m not mad at you… I’m just disappointed in myself, as my father used to say, over and over and over.

My disappointment at the moment is not just with me.  I wanted to write up a mock interview that would take place at a fictitious radio station, and so I asked a good friend to come up with some questions, to potentially add some depth, and authenticity.  This is a guy who knows how to build, finance, and manage multiple kinds of businesses at once, while raising a family, but he can’t Q & A worth a damn!  Want to know one of the questions he asked?  “What will you buy your sister when you finally make it?”  And that was one of the better ones.  Wouldn’t the fact I am on a radio program indicate I had already “made it” to some extent?  Also bear in mind that while someone else was going to provide the questions, I was not going to share that fact.  This fake interview session would have come across as if I was the only one orchestrating it, and so questions like that would only make me look and feel like a bit of an asshole, and since when have I ever given the impression that’s the kind of person I am?  Screw the radio premise, and my pal’s help!  I’m going to show how it’s done, on my own!  And my sister wants a BMW, but she also enjoys cycling, so I’d get her a Segway, I suppose.

Q:  What advice do you have for aspiring writers?

A:  Make sense some of the time.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  Read everything that has ever been written in order to be as original as possible.  You don’t have to commit it all to memory – your subconscious will help out.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  Develop a heavy drinking problem.  You got to train like a champion if you want to be one.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  The powers of sincerity and curiosity are all I possess.  The potential benefits and pitfalls of those qualities are difficult to overemphasize.

Q:  What are some of the pitfalls?

A:  Now that’s the kind of curiosity that’ll get your ass in trouble.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  Learn how to realize your full potential, without ending up on the wrong end of a corporate issued sniper rifle.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  Do you actually do any research before you conduct an interview?  I’ve already given lots of advice, in the past, and I don’t feel like repeating myself.  I’ll give you some questions a writer might want to ask his or herself.  Has the subject matter been explored, and if so, is it worth repeating, and if so, can it take a new form?  Basic, but worth considering if you haven’t.  Are you more inclined to help bring about peace in the world, because the heart is in turmoil, or to find inner peace in a world full of turmoil that you cannot help?  Even if you answer none of the above, or somewhere in between, I think it’s worth thinking about, regardless of what you write, and why you do so.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  What an excellent question.  A good friend of mine (the same friend I mentioned earlier) told me to imagine myself eating a raw piece of meat, after having sex with two women, before I write.  Probably the best advice I’ve been given.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  The same friend told me good writing has to have teeth.  I’ve heard that before, and never thought about what it meant, but what purpose do teeth serve if not for biting, and dragging prey to the ground by the neck?

Q:  Who is this friend you keep speaking about?

A:  Why do you care?  What’s the big deal?

Q:  I just think it’s weird how you won’t shut up about this one person.  Don’t you think it’s strange?

A:  No, you’re making it weird.  What’s your obsession with my friend, who may or may not be my roommate?

Q:  Do you have any other friends?

A:  Drop it, will you?!

Q:  What is a plant?

A:  A thing that can grow out of the ground.

Q:  Have you ever been electrocuted?

A:  When I was roughly fifteen years old, I fell out of a tree, and had a stick lodged in the fleshy part of my ass.  A couple inches to the left could have changed my entire life.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  NO!

Q:  What motivates you to write?

A:  Initially, I wanted to be an alchemist.  I wanted to transform squandered moments, and lost opportunities into something of value.  I wanted to see waste as a myth.  I wanted to realize that even seeing something as being a waste has worth.  Writing felt like a good platform to start mixing potions to my satisfaction.  That’s one significant, motivational tool that has guided me.

Q:  Where do you get your ideas from?

A:  From my brain.  What kind of a stupid question is that?

Q:  Don’t blame me.  I’m stuck being you, you moron.

A:  That’s not a question.  Right, well, when someone asks me, “How’ve you been?” I usually want to reply with, “The less I think about how I’ve been, the better I’ll be.”  Travel to a primordial universe, and imagine innumerable specs of dust, uniting together to form clouds that form stars that explode, forming planets, like base emotions concentrating into clear thought, leading to action.  Does that answer the question?  My ideas come from a state of being, or feeling.  The density of the cloud dictates the details in the worlds that are formed.

Q:  Do you just act cryptic to appear smarter than you are?

A:  No, I’m not smart enough to pull something like that off.

Q:  Any parting words, before we conclude things?

A:  If the woman who visits me in my dreams is happy with what I write then I am satisfied.  I can see the future in my dreams, and I mean that both literally and figuratively.

Q:  Is that a joke?

A:  No.  The anus is like a stubborn spot on a shirt, and it’s not going away, no matter how much you bleach it.  Where you may see an unsightly spot on the body, others see a beautiful world of opportunities.  Now that is a joke… sort of.

Q:  And you wonder why maniacs are attracted to what you have to say?

A:  This interview is over.  Great job, asshole.

Now that is how it’s done!  Man, I’m hungry.  Think I’ll go to the grocery store, grab a steak, rip it out of the package before paying, chomp down on it, and scream, “I am awesome!” before asking a couple of the clerks if they want to go back in the bakery section, and have a little fun.

P.S.  The thing about the tree actually happened, when I was fourteen, I guess.  I had to get my mom to pull it out.  Why I feel such a need to make sure you know I am being honest about that is beyond me.