This is Angry Tablecloth, and today I wanted to share a bit more about myself – who I really am as a person. I could simply share my own thoughts, but I thought it would be best to share what others think of me. And so with my trusty tape recorder, (which you may remember, from My Electrifying Origin Story) I went to the bus stop where I routinely preach to the houseless people, who call the surrounding area home, and asked them to share their opinions on who I am.
Me: Who is Angry Tablecloth, to you?
Houseless Person #1: I don’t know if he’s psycho or psychic, but I do know he implanted magnets in my brain, so when the poles shift, I’ll be one of the only survivors.
Houseless Person # 2: I don’t know no damn Angry Tablecloth! What the hell are you talkin’ ‘bout?! Do you have the stuff, or not?! Oh… okay… I said okay! Okay? Uh, right, I misheard. Thought you said someone else. Angry Tablecloth is a treasure, who makes people feel good. There, can I have my stuff already, so I can feel good?
Houseless Person # 3: Is that you, Grant? What’s an angry cable sock? What? Why are you whispering? Alright, I think I got it. This is an unbiased testimony tellin’ you that Angry Tablecloths is a genius, and an artist, and a sexual powerhouse. He is a god who can relate to mere mortals, although they struggle to understand him. He wishes he wasn’t so incredible, because it detracts from his message of how regular folks can use their mind and soul to… what’s that word? …trans… transcend the physical, and bring forth pleasures that only a sweet hit could equal, which I think I’ve earned. For real, the mind and spirit can do things that can make the body stand still in disbelief. Now where’s the stuff?
To help prove that I am not just cherry picking the best responses, here are a few more critical replies to the question. I’d release the audio file, if it weren’t be held as evidence for another pending criminal charge, and potential civil suit. I was lucky to have transcribed this just in time.
Houseless Person # 8: That man is a lunatic. Did you know he walks around with a picture frame around his neck? Claimin’ he’s living, breathing art, and that we all are, but he’s the only one worth framin’! What in the f*ck is wrong with you, dude? He only takes pictures of pictures of himself, because he says anything else would be too intense for others to handle. I’ve been to his place, and it is scary! Never thought I’d feel appreciative, and shit, for being out on the street. I will never go back there, and do a favour for his ass, again! I don’t give a damn how good his shit is!
Houseless Person # 21: He calls us by numbers. I’m Number Five. Asshole, doesn’t even bother to learn our names. We are living, breathing human beings, damn it! Even if we have less, doesn’t mean we are less.
I do agree with some of Number Four and Five’s points, but as far as their opinions about me go, they are lying jerks. Think they might have to be disciplined. We’ll see what they think of me after a week of being cut off from my supply of spiritual medicine, that I offer for a modest profit. I have to in order to continue my charitable work.
Houseless Person # 116: I had never seen a soapbox before, but I knew this crazy cat was standin’ on one, first time I saw him, as he ranted ‘bout end times, and eternal damnation. There’s enough mental illness on the streets, without people coming out of their houses to add more. Help is hard enough to come by, but harm is plentiful, thanks to guys like him. Do you know how many people out here get locked up on purpose, because jail is the only place some can find the treatment they need? There’s lots of good folks helpin’, but fundin’ is tough to come by. I have a socioeconomic proposal with some down to earth solutions that will not cure, but greatly reduce…
He went on like that for a half hour, and it had nothing to do with me, so who cares?
As you may have heard, apparently there are eighty-five people who possess the same (financial) wealth as the bottom 3.5 billion, but that money cannot eliminate the power in each of us, although it can subvert it. – A power that can grant incredible riches in many forms, without the need to sell out to the highest bidder. We’ll keep cracking those safes, and examining the gems inside, like always.