My Interview #2

This is Angry Tablecloth, and I will die a happy man if I never have to hear the term, pre-flu, ever again.  I wanted to apologize for calling everyone who follows my blog a maniac, in the last post.  There is a small segment of individuals who I doubt read a word I write, and only follow my blog to promote their own agenda, and I get the sensible motives, and logic behind those people.  The rest of you, I still consider maniacs.  It feels good to say sorry.  On with the proceedings of today!

I had a lot of fun with the last post I did, which is of little surprise being the amazing guest and host that I am, and so I thought another round was in order.

Interview

Q:  Do you have any advice for aspiring writers?

A:  You asked that same damn question about ten times the last time we talked.  Do you even remember?

Q:  I remember if you do, of course.

A:  Then what is wrong with you?  Why would you start off with that, again?

Q:  Then what is wrong with us?  Why would we start off with that, again?  That’s what you should ask.

A:  Don’t make statements.  It’s confusing.  You’re supposed to be asking me things.

Q:  It ain’t my fault you started asking me questions.

A:  This is going horribly wrong.  Can we start over again?

Q:  Sure.

A:  Then will you ask me something?

Q:  Okay.

A:  That’s not… just ask a goddamned question, please.

Q:  Are you high right now?

A:  No.

Q:  Usually that’s a good sign.

A:  No comments!  Questions!

Q:  Is it a  lot of work to act like a strange human being?

A:  No… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … 🙂 … … … … …  It requires as much work as it does to behave regular.

Q:  Do you ever worry that your efforts to amuse and inform may only cause discomfort, and concern for your mental health?

A:  No.  I’d be happy to know someone out there cared.

Q:  Anything clever to say?

A:  More clever than that question?  Because that would be anything.

Q:  Was that clever?

A:  No.

Q:  Now is it clever?

A:  No!  It’s probably confusing as shit.

Q:  Are you calling your audience dumb?

A:  No!

Q:  No?

A:  NO!  I can’t believed I vouched for you!  I said you were good at this, and it’s all gone to hell!  I hate you!

Q:  You hate yourself?

A:  No.

Q:  That doesn’t make sense…

A:  ASK A REAL GODDAMNED QUESTION!

Q:  Do you have any advice for aspiring writers?

A:  I’m glad you asked.  Concentration is crucial.  A single thought on a subject can lead to another, and another, forming a chain of thoughts, and while the first four links might consist of rusted iron, the fifth piece might be one of gold, as well as the seventh, or tenth.  The links not of gold may reveal a useful way to display the other parts worth sharing.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  My writing is best when writing is the last thing on my mind.  When I am trying to answer a philosophical quandary for my own sake, or embracing the joy of a moment, or trying to entertain a friend, the words I need to share my findings when writing become clear.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  When opposing forces clash, the contradictions smash those not immersed in the beginning and end, with a present state of mind.  My brightest insights are often found when struggling in darkness – when trying to reconcile two seemingly opposing notions, or so it used to be.  Address the lights in a pitch black body of water, and darken them, or brighten the shadows on a sunny day.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  My pieces are often twice the size of what I finally present, and would only be half as interesting with double the amount.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  Listen to golden minds and concrete blockheads, alike.  I find the latter to be more inspirational and motivational than the former when aligned with the former.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  If I feel pressured to generate something humorous, I may write something serious, or if I feel pressured to write something of great depth, I may write something purely for entertainment, or if I feel pressured to generate a large quantity of material, I may write something brief and concise, or if I feel pressured to write a poem, I may write an essay.  This pattern ensures I write quality material, regardless of the pressure felt to do so.  If you are a comedy writer, or a novelist, this may not seem like it would help, but a serious or brief piece may be what is needed to smash a chunk of writer’s block.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  As a kid I would often read, watch, and listen to things far beyond my comprehension, but I would not let that fact frustrate me.  The fragments I could understand gave me a rush, and in time those parts helped me to understand the bigger picture with ease.

Q:  Would you share something about yourself that others might not know?

A:  I am an insecure know-nothing connected to an omniscient source of supreme confidence.  I also have a heavenly angel living inside of me that hatched from a demon seed, who I call friend.

Q:  What will you buy your brother when you finally make it?

A:  I once had a friend who is monetarily rich tell me, “You’re going to be a millionaire, one day,” to which I replied, “That’s as good as telling me I’m going to jump off a bridge, one day.”  Either statement can be as distracting as it can be motivational.  I should have just taken the damn compliment.  If I am ever going to be financially wealthy, it will be by not caring about such a thing, and pursuing passions – that in my view – have more value than a treasure chest full of gold.  I would rather possess the power to be happy regardless of my income than to be rich for my entire life, if my happiness is dependent on that factor.  Still, I do want to keep up the rent, and eating food I purchase from grocery stores.

Q:  You didn’t answer the question.

A:  Because it was lame.

Q:  Is this the same friend…

A:  For the love of god, just ask me a friggin’ normal question, will you?!

Q:  Why should anyone take a nobody like you seriously?

A:  Because nobody is a “nobody”.  Because I am taken seriously by some “somebodies”, who respect me, because I am not concerned with whether they take me seriously, among other reasons.  Because it’s apparent in what I write.  You want to learn how to write dope-ass, ill material, or access crazy, awesome thoughts then you have come to the right place.  I can help some out there write material that is worthy of the world’s attention, but if the world’s attention is all you crave, then you may want to look somewhere else.

Q:  Who are your favorite writers?

A:  I’d say myself, but then I wouldn’t be one of them.  My parents had virtually every Stephen King novel, and I’ve read about half of them, which is a library’s worth of books, but that was roughly ten years ago, so I’m probably down to a quarter, at this point.  I also enjoy reading the dictionary.

Q:  What is your favorite King novel?

A:  Wow, this is starting to sound like a real interview.  I never read any of the Dark Tower, or Gunslinger stuff, and I like the Richard Bauchman stuff quite a bit.  As a kid I used to find it a bit daunting to read a seven hundred page book of his, and yet I could easily go through a collection his short stories, even if the collection was well in excess of a thousand pages.  My favourite Stephen King movies usually make for my least favourite novels, and vice versa, although I did like Room 1408, or whatever it’s called, in both formats.

Q:  And you wonder why I do not ask more “normal” questions.  That was dull as hell.  Why a blog?

A:  Because it’s cheap, easy to manage, and I can deliver a lot of small sized bites, until I amass a large amount of material, like a Stephen King short story collection, that I will then publish and sell to those too stupid to read it here, for free.

Q:  Do you have an ultimate goal you want to achieve?

A:  Aside from the one I just shared?  Sure, I got plenty of them.  One is to create a million maniacs who do not fear life, and can see through death.

Q:  Any mildly perturbing comments you would like to make?

A:  I knew the world was not going to end on December twelfth, two-thousand and twelve, because I had no clue what was going to happen that day.

Q:  That is a little messed up.

A:  You asked.

Q:  Doesn’t mean you had to answer.

A:  I have time for one more question, so make it a good one.

Q:  Why is softcore European pornography as hot as hardcore Asian pornography, and yet the two are not necessarily interchangeable for some reason, and are you creative enough to come up with a question like that without it being from personal experience?

A:  You…  Please tell me you didn’t just ask that…  Jesus…  I try not to judge others, or look down on others… I would never consider another person a blockhead, even though I use the word for effect, and I truly do not think of others as maniacs, and I truly do not think I am better or worse than anyone else, only different, or at least try to subscribe to that idea as best I can, but that is repugnant, and now I have to clean up your mess.  I have known people who fetishize over certain aspects, whether they are racial, or about height, or weight, or whatever, to the point where it is like watching someone eat a double bacon cheeseburger after suffering a heat attack, where all you feel like at the moment is a salad, no matter how much of a carnivore you are.  You can have certain preferences, and then meet someone who does not match any of those, and yet they become the most beautiful person you have ever known.  Inner beauty can radiate outwards, impacting a person’s physical appearance in the eyes of another, to an astounding degree, even if that other person is rather superficial.  Unless there is a spiritual, mental, emotional connection, the physical is something I do not care about, and you can call that a disorder if you wish, but that is who I am.  I want to see more of us treat one another with the respect and decency each human being deserves.  Glad I patched that up.

End of interview… thankfully.

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