My Interview

This is Angry Tablecloth, and I receive an average of two followers per post, without any effort to advertise, which means my goal of a million is only a thousand years away.  That was the goal, at least.  I have recently been examining the profiles of those following me, to get a better sense of my audience, and what I have discovered is that my audience is nuts!  Jesus Christ!  A couple of you legitimately frighten me.  What really scares me is the thought that you maniacs are a reflection of who I am.  Has everyone else been right?  Should I be surprised that whenever I lapse into a moment of honesty with another person, they start to slowly back away, while maintaining eye contact with a look of fear and hostility, trying to communicate that they will fight back if I try to follow?!  Have I been sharing my philosophical views on life, in a fashion that appeals strictly to potential cult members?  Is this what I get for joking about voices in my head?  Well, at least I’m sane enough to recognize the craziness I have unwittingly attracted.  No, I’m not mad at you… I’m just disappointed in myself, as my father used to say, over and over and over.

My disappointment at the moment is not just with me.  I wanted to write up a mock interview that would take place at a fictitious radio station, and so I asked a good friend to come up with some questions, to potentially add some depth, and authenticity.  This is a guy who knows how to build, finance, and manage multiple kinds of businesses at once, while raising a family, but he can’t Q & A worth a damn!  Want to know one of the questions he asked?  “What will you buy your sister when you finally make it?”  And that was one of the better ones.  Wouldn’t the fact I am on a radio program indicate I had already “made it” to some extent?  Also bear in mind that while someone else was going to provide the questions, I was not going to share that fact.  This fake interview session would have come across as if I was the only one orchestrating it, and so questions like that would only make me look and feel like a bit of an asshole, and since when have I ever given the impression that’s the kind of person I am?  Screw the radio premise, and my pal’s help!  I’m going to show how it’s done, on my own!  And my sister wants a BMW, but she also enjoys cycling, so I’d get her a Segway, I suppose.

Q:  What advice do you have for aspiring writers?

A:  Make sense some of the time.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  Read everything that has ever been written in order to be as original as possible.  You don’t have to commit it all to memory – your subconscious will help out.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  Develop a heavy drinking problem.  You got to train like a champion if you want to be one.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  The powers of sincerity and curiosity are all I possess.  The potential benefits and pitfalls of those qualities are difficult to overemphasize.

Q:  What are some of the pitfalls?

A:  Now that’s the kind of curiosity that’ll get your ass in trouble.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  Learn how to realize your full potential, without ending up on the wrong end of a corporate issued sniper rifle.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  Do you actually do any research before you conduct an interview?  I’ve already given lots of advice, in the past, and I don’t feel like repeating myself.  I’ll give you some questions a writer might want to ask his or herself.  Has the subject matter been explored, and if so, is it worth repeating, and if so, can it take a new form?  Basic, but worth considering if you haven’t.  Are you more inclined to help bring about peace in the world, because the heart is in turmoil, or to find inner peace in a world full of turmoil that you cannot help?  Even if you answer none of the above, or somewhere in between, I think it’s worth thinking about, regardless of what you write, and why you do so.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  What an excellent question.  A good friend of mine (the same friend I mentioned earlier) told me to imagine myself eating a raw piece of meat, after having sex with two women, before I write.  Probably the best advice I’ve been given.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  The same friend told me good writing has to have teeth.  I’ve heard that before, and never thought about what it meant, but what purpose do teeth serve if not for biting, and dragging prey to the ground by the neck?

Q:  Who is this friend you keep speaking about?

A:  Why do you care?  What’s the big deal?

Q:  I just think it’s weird how you won’t shut up about this one person.  Don’t you think it’s strange?

A:  No, you’re making it weird.  What’s your obsession with my friend, who may or may not be my roommate?

Q:  Do you have any other friends?

A:  Drop it, will you?!

Q:  What is a plant?

A:  A thing that can grow out of the ground.

Q:  Have you ever been electrocuted?

A:  When I was roughly fifteen years old, I fell out of a tree, and had a stick lodged in the fleshy part of my ass.  A couple inches to the left could have changed my entire life.

Q:  Any other advice?

A:  NO!

Q:  What motivates you to write?

A:  Initially, I wanted to be an alchemist.  I wanted to transform squandered moments, and lost opportunities into something of value.  I wanted to see waste as a myth.  I wanted to realize that even seeing something as being a waste has worth.  Writing felt like a good platform to start mixing potions to my satisfaction.  That’s one significant, motivational tool that has guided me.

Q:  Where do you get your ideas from?

A:  From my brain.  What kind of a stupid question is that?

Q:  Don’t blame me.  I’m stuck being you, you moron.

A:  That’s not a question.  Right, well, when someone asks me, “How’ve you been?” I usually want to reply with, “The less I think about how I’ve been, the better I’ll be.”  Travel to a primordial universe, and imagine innumerable specs of dust, uniting together to form clouds that form stars that explode, forming planets, like base emotions concentrating into clear thought, leading to action.  Does that answer the question?  My ideas come from a state of being, or feeling.  The density of the cloud dictates the details in the worlds that are formed.

Q:  Do you just act cryptic to appear smarter than you are?

A:  No, I’m not smart enough to pull something like that off.

Q:  Any parting words, before we conclude things?

A:  If the woman who visits me in my dreams is happy with what I write then I am satisfied.  I can see the future in my dreams, and I mean that both literally and figuratively.

Q:  Is that a joke?

A:  No.  The anus is like a stubborn spot on a shirt, and it’s not going away, no matter how much you bleach it.  Where you may see an unsightly spot on the body, others see a beautiful world of opportunities.  Now that is a joke… sort of.

Q:  And you wonder why maniacs are attracted to what you have to say?

A:  This interview is over.  Great job, asshole.

Now that is how it’s done!  Man, I’m hungry.  Think I’ll go to the grocery store, grab a steak, rip it out of the package before paying, chomp down on it, and scream, “I am awesome!” before asking a couple of the clerks if they want to go back in the bakery section, and have a little fun.

P.S.  The thing about the tree actually happened, when I was fourteen, I guess.  I had to get my mom to pull it out.  Why I feel such a need to make sure you know I am being honest about that is beyond me.


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