Is your life lacking luster? Are you trapped in an eight and a half hour, forty year, mind numbing, backbreaking, soul crushing, minimum wage death sentence with little to no hope of a reprieve? Are you constantly racing from the house, to the office, to the grocery store, to home again in an endless, dizzying cycle that never really gets you anywhere? Is your house/office located in the back of a van? Does this van only exist inside your head? Has your head recently been inside of something it should not have been? Do you boldly fantasize about being a person who boldly fantasizes about living in a van? Then this might be the blog for you! Do you look forward to having a root canal, because it is a reason to get out of the house? Would you like it if an earthquake rattled your van/office/home, destroying the lives of thousands, just to have something shake up the very foundation of your frustratingly wretched routine? Do you like colours? Do you hate shapes? Are you indifferent to sounds? Then this is the blog for you! Have you ever pondered a vexing philosophical question aloud, only to receive blank, befuddled stares as if you said, “This chicken tastes like dog penis”? Have you ever felt there is more to your life, as if on the verge of waking from a dream? Have you ever dreamed of cutting off your ears to boil in a stew for dinner, and are at this moment holding a pair of scissors to your head in order to make this dream a reality? Then this might be the blog for you, but do seek other means of unprofessional help. Besides, there would be little point in doing so considering the lobes are the only part worth eating, and it takes roughly fifty ear’s worth of lobe meat to make a decent stew.
Greetings my bundle of universal joy! You have been expected. The anticipation of this moment has crossed many lifetimes. I am the conduit of love and peace, the bringer of hope and promise, the finder of lost socks, the catalyst of multicoloured sprinkles. I am you, and you are me. But who are we? We are the universe! But what is the universe? The universe can be seen as a multidimensional plain of existence, as vast as it is mysterious, contained in the stomach of a giraffe, contained in the stomach of another giraffe, in another giraffe, in another giraffe, in an infinite cycle of giraffes, contained by the celestial consciousness that is you, my dear, but by those standards it can be anything your moronic, deranged mind can conceive. So abandon your false idols! Worship not at the feet of a golden calf! Hail Omniraffe, and her ethereal glory, or perish under her pervading gaze!
If you are still reading along carefully, and not glazing over this to see if there are any sane parts, you are probably a messed up person with a lot of issues, which means this is the blog for you! It’s cool if you have problems. I’m here to solve problems.
I have enjoyed writing for many years – leisurely and professionally – and throughout those years I have unlocked many mysteries of the universe. It is now time to reciprocate the favor, in the form of this blog. Note that I have never read a blog. I doubt I will ever read a blog. I do not like the word, blog, and will never use it again.
Throughout your experience here you will:
1. Learn to better love life.
2. Find inner peace.
3. Discover the meaning of life.
4. Telepathically connect to all of Humanity.
5. Heighten your aura.
6. Evolve a physical body of pure conscious energy.
7. Enjoy vegetables.
8. Be not lame and shit.
9. Be a good writer.
10. Get laid.
11. Learn many dog penis recipes
12. I don’t know… find whatever it is that will keep you reading my crap.
For further instructions on how to properly absorb this experience, go to the You Are Here page. The overall purpose of this… computerized diary can be found there, on the ground floor. This is underground parking, and there are two levels, and parking lots can be confusing as shit. I was once lost for an hour in one, because my friend’s ride was so basic, it didn’t even beep when you pressed the lock button! Goddamn, that was a horrible time.
In the future there will be pictures, and videos, and graphics, and Twitter, and Instagram, and other junk, should it be needed, but for now there are just words , loads of big, dumb words to stare at.
Finally, please do note that I am not responsible for any falls, should you decide to get off a ride while it is still in motion. Sure, there will be a few twists and sudden turns that may have you clinching your teeth, and wanting to close your eyes, but the ride will always safely stop at a cozy place. Sure, you may end up feverishly vomiting, regretting the decision to have ever gotten on the ride, while fading in and out of consciousness, but it is still a cozy place? And if by the end of your time at Angry Tablecloth’s Funland, you do not agree that I am an enlightened soul, you can go to hell. Hope you enjoy your stay.